Hard but necessary

The last few weeks have been very hard.

I’ve lost my ability to write, to capture my thoughts and translate them into words. I have literally sat looking at the blog screen sometimes, and been unable to frame a single sentence. A kind of writers block, odd…

I feel better having made a decision. We are in tatters as a family, my son is not functioning and I believe things will not improve whist his father is manipulating and alienating him.

I have no idea if I can actually do this. In the past it would have been easy – my lawyer once told me if I wanted to stop contact (felt it was necessary) I should simply inform him and let him fight me through the Court. I never did this, as I thought any father was better than no father. I don’t think this any longer. But now its hard as the kids are 16 and 13 …

Son2 ‘wants’ to see his father –  when I told him I was seeking to stop contact he was very angry. But now I can see a glimmer of relief in his eye… Just maybe what he needs is for me to stand up, be tough and just STOP the shit ….


Dear ex husband,

At son2’s insistence (promulgated by you) I have instigated a child safeguarding referral for son2 and son3 with respect to the incident in which son1 hit son2. I personally do not believe this episode reached the threshold for referral, and nor did the Consultant Psychiatrist to whom son2 relayed the whole episode. However, this episode coupled with the ongoing and serious concerns about son2’s mental health do, in my colleagues’ opinion merit a referral to safeguarding

The referral has been made after I expressed my genuine and sincerely held concerns that you are subjecting son2 and son3 to emotional abuse by

  1. a) persistently, repetitively and regularly making disparaging comments about me, my lifestyle, my behaviour and my decision making. This behaviour in my opinion amounts to parental alienation and is extremely detrimental to Jacob’s mental Health and
  2. b) your persistent drug taking, glamorisation of drug taking, constant talking about drugs and failure to set appropriate boundaries around the information you feed your children

You have been told, many times that it is inappropriate to share your opinion about me with our children. It has been explained to you that children are emotionally vulnerable and that persistent denigration of one parent by another is destructive and emotionally damaging. Children who are emotionally robust may not display many overt signs of their emotional distress, but son2, who is emotionally very fragile, clearly is. I have told you, the child psychologist told you, your friends have told you, many times, that insulting me, using derogatory and abusive language about me to the children is wrong. And damaging. But you continue to do it.

I am the childrens mother. I am their primary care giver and always have been. I am the one reliable parent they have. I provide their home, and meet all of their needs to the very best of my ability. I attend their parents’ evenings, take them to appointments, monitor their screen time, cook for them clean their clothes and am there every single day trying to support them as best I can to become happy successful adults. What YOU think of me is NOT relevant to the childrens relationship with me. And your ongoing attempts to destroy that relationship is damaging both son2 and son3.

Your repeated and persistent glamorisation of drugs and drug taking is also WRONG and damaging to young people. If you cannot see why, then I don’t have the energy to explain it to you. It is evident from your behaviour that you do not think it is wrong, but the damage that it does is very, very evident. Again you have been told repeatedly to stop doing this, sensible advice that you ignore.

I have no intention of dignifying the things that you say about me with explanation or response. I am quite content for social services to investigate any and all aspects of our domestic life and am confident there will be no concerns. I will however make one statement. I am NOT having ‘an affair’ with J. I say this as your erroneous assumption that this is the case seems to be the trigger for your latest explosion of repulsive behaviour.

My private life is no concern of yours, and my choices in this regard are absolutely none of your business. Sharing your false opinions with our children is, once again, an attempt to alienate them from me and is unacceptable.

I have an appointment with my lawyer. The purpose of which is to seek any legal means I can to deny you access to the children for a period of 12 months. In my opinion this is necessary to allow the whole family some opportunity to heal from the schisms and emotional disruption that your persistent bad mouthing of me has caused. We are clearly a family in crisis, son2 is significantly mentally unwell. He barely gets out of bed at home, is not engaged with his school work, is taking drugs and is hostile, aggressive and abusive towards me and his brothers. In my opinion this is largely due to your inappropriate sharing of your negative beliefs about me.

In the last eight years I have tried very hard to promote and facilitate contact between you and your children, regardless of my personal feelings about you. At times I have tried distance, more recently I have tried to be friendly, I have tried telling you what is and is not acceptable, nothing makes any difference. The effects on us all are now unbearable and contact must cease.

You can do this the collaborative way and agree not to contact or see son2 or son3 for a period of 12 months, or we can do it via the Court, but either way, in my opinion, you bring nothing useful to son2 or son3’s life and are a very negative, disruptive and damaging influence.

Further contact will come from Social services and / or my lawyer. I have blocked you on my phone as I am no longer prepared to listen to you shout abusive things at me. If you are prepared to agree with my stipulation regarding contact you can respond in writing. If you are not prepared to agree than I will proceed and take steps to prevent contact via legal processes.

we will see. SS investigation has begun. I have contacted my lawyer. I’m exhausted and emotionally spent, but I will be strong and I will get through this. If I fail, at least I can say I tried….



  1. Sorry to hear circumstances have grown so out of hand that this is a neccessary approach. 😦 I am not in a man-woman intimate relation myself but in the last years online in the sober blogosphere I have seen many women change their approach to their formerly loved ones over the time they get sober. Sobriety is not only a waking up to oneself but also to the world. Not always ‘pleasant’ – and very effing scary and unpleasant and damaging in your situation :-(.
    Sobriety is all about what you take in and leave out: your ex sounds like poison a sober woman would want out of her life. 😦 Wishing a good and possibly smooth development of the procedures.
    xx, Feeling


    • Hi 👋 I’m still here. Not posting because at the moment it’s all about the kids. I don’t mind writing a bit about them ( and have done) but it feels too much right now. On 6th December I will reach 1000 days sober … am planning a post for that ! Thanks for asking – how are you? Xxx🌷

      Liked by 1 person

      • your readers miss you. I am one of them… and because I posted on your wall- I got some attention and probably disappointed but whatever,

        Dear Lily- don’t stop.


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